So I work in a Grocery Store

People expect you that seeming since you work in a grocery store 40+ hours a week and that everytime you see them they expect that you are like this close personal friend that is all “hey man whats up, where you been? Oh getting some grapes… thats rad! Oh sorry to hear about your mom.. I bet she was a fantastic lady.”

Not really, fuck I don’t even know your name. You’re just a face to me that pays with a broken food stamp card. While you can get on a name basis with your customers, and I guess that would be going the extra mile, but then again I don’t want to be just another soulless victim, to like, the man.

I’ve said it since I’ve started and I’m sure I’ll be saying it until the day I quit, but I just don’t get paid enough to care.

Once again, sorry about the lack of updates, but once again, I’m just way too manly to do such things. I’ve got to like lift weights and talk about jet skis and shit. Maybe flex my muscles in public. Go to the shooting range, or maybe even too busy drinking red bulls and hanging out with banging chicks all need with my sweet popped collar shirt and my puka shells.

Are puka shells even in style anymore?

So anyways, truth be told I am absolutely atrocious with names, and to be perfectly honest I forget peoples names on a day to day basis. I don’t think I even know all the employees at my store even though I always seem to be striking up a conversation with several during the day. Call it asshole like, but I just have them ringed in as “short butcher block lady”, “wavy hair pharmacy lady who leaves when I start work,” “always leaving early booth lady” and of course “disgruntled service deli worker” but that latter one can work for pretty much every one of those service deli people, I can’t blame them at all.

The service deli is totally the “fast food” area of the grocery store business. If you want to be all fancy and work in a grocery store, yet want the mood of a fast food restaurant, then thats the place for you. Not only are you breading chicken 99% OF THE TIME, but you also get the biggest collaboration of ASSHOLES and people with their HEADS STUCK UP THEIR ASSES. I don’t understand why people just find it necessary that if they have to wait in line that it is an inconvenience to them. Realize usually the worst of the people who complain are paying with foodstamps and think they deserve the world handed to them on a platter because the government has made them think this. But christ almighty, calm down people.

ITS FUCKING CHICKEN. EVEN IF YOU HAVE TO WAIT AN EXTRA 5 MINUTES, YOU ARE GOING TO BE SHITTING SOMETHING STRONG IN A COUPLE HOURS.

Like I said before, yea I don’t know anyones names. Hell the only reason I know certain customers names are because other associates have said their names to them so I’m not left wondering anymore. And usually if they’re in enough it will stick. But my memory with names is like throwing a pencil into the ceiling. 99% of the time you miss and if that 1% of the time you actually get it to stick the fucking thing is just going to fall down in 5 minutes. My mind is taken up with too many other manly things, like motorcyles and what barb-wire tattoo to get on my bicep.

Really people just come buy groceries, grab what you need, and have some fucking patience. Everything is out of our control. We do our job and yea, sometimes there are fuck ups but the other 95% of the time is the god damn idiot in front of you talking on their cell phone totally oblivious to the fact that we’ve been done and are ready for them to pay, or too busy letting their kids run around the fucking store screaming and throwing a tissy fit because their parents are afraid to punish them.

JUST HIT THE FUCKER

Going to a grocery store is a lot like going to take a test. be fucking prepared dickheads. Stop inconveniencing the people around you and don’t piss us off because then we do a shitty job and then we really will smash your grapes and put your eggs on the bottom.

This blog has really become a rant. I am one enraged employee.

Awkward is the new funny. In all honesty I’m pretty damn sure theres no way around it. While… awkward at the time, in retrospect these moments always end up the funniest.

As a checker you get your regulars, and you form some sort of strange friendship… or maybe relationship with a customer. Its definitely not friendship, just some sort of awkward acquaintance.

So naturally there’s this girl that has been coming to the store for as long as I have been working and shes around the same age as me, mid-20’s (OKAY THATS WIERD SAYING THAT, its 3AM and I think I ruined my day.) and shes a bit quiet, but always really nice and cordial. Always nicely dressed, got the whole business casual thing girls have going on when they work in the offices so she seems to have a good head on her shoulders and responsible.

So she comes in the other day and I’m scanning her groceries. You know, the typical 20something groceries; tomatos, celery, salad, cool I see you’re making a salad thats pretty awesome. As a checker you kind of get a feel for what people are eating. So anyways continue with the order oh hey look some cup of ramen, cup of ramen, PREGNANCY TEST, cup of ramen.

WAIT HOLY FUCK? PREGNANCY TEST.

Totally blind sides me, here I am scanning some healthy greens and some quick snacks when out from left field is A PREGNANCY TEST. I kind of tense up, oh god, do I say something, do I give it a special bag or do I just go on like normal? Oh god help me.

I’m pretty sure I did what any normal checker would do.

I threw it in her bag of cup of ramen and hide it under a stack of ramen. If those cup o noodle’s were the cookie that surrounds a fortune, OH MAN YOU ARE IN FOR A SURPRISE.

Crisis averted right? Good job Chris you got this under control, deep breath. Now to end the order with something smart, don’t be an idiot.

“Have a good night.” I say as shes paid and takes her groceries.

SHIT.

Is that even the right thing to say?? Whenever there is a pregnancy test involved I really don’t know what the proper thing to say is… good night? Good Luck? I hope its not yours? Shes lying because you dumped her, its a girls go to drill? Don’t pee on your ipod shuffle on accident, they do look alike? Enjoy 18 years of responsibility you obviously aren’t ready for if you are coming into a grocery store for a pregnancy test, you didn’t even buy a name brand?

Hell if I know, but man pregnancy tests are just a confusing matter.